Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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