A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
