Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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