I puked a lego.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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