He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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