Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
