I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
