I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
