sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
