i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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