So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
