dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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