Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
