Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
