he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
