My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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