he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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