I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
