I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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