i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
