there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
