How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
