I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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