did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
