He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
