I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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