Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
