In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
