Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
