dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
