I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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