I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
