Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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