i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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