Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
