her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
