soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
