8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
