Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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