??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
