You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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