Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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