she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
