he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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