hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
