I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
