We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
