Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
