having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
