I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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